How the Phantom Got a Wife
by Tolwen
Summary: The Phantom is finally granted the one wish that he wanted most: a wife to take out on Sundays. But he recieves not just any wife. He gets....A Mary Sue! A joke of the usual Mary Sue gets Phantom story. Please R


How the Phantom Got a Wife

**Author's Note: **Well, this is my first attempt at a "Phantom phic", and my first attempt at humor/parody. I hope it's not too bad. Feel free to send reviews and constructive criticism. Flames are ok only if you have a specific point to make. Thank You.

Oh, one more thing, not only have I seen the movie, I have also heard the original cast recording, watched the 1943 version starring Claude Rains, read the book, and read _Phantom_ by Susan Kay (which I recommend ALL phantomphans read), so don't accuse me of not doing one of the tasks mentioned above. Thank You.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything related to the Phantom in any way shape or form. Basically, if you don't recall it in the movie, Broadway, or the book, it's probably from my own imagination.

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In a random act of mercy, God decided that he would perform a miracle: Giving the Phantom of the Opera a wife. But not just any wife, but a Mary Sue named………Due to Mary Sue's tragic past, she no longer remembers her name.

Speaking of her tragic past, I'll elaborate on it. At first, all was happy. But when the Mary Sue turned four years of age, all went bad. Her parents went bankrupt and decided to sell her a crazy woman who believed she was a witch and kill people with poisoned apples. The woman was cruel to the poor Mary Sue, making her do all sorts of grueling chores that crazy-women-who-believe-they're-witches make helpless Mary Sues do. Anyway, the Mary Sue grew into the most beautiful creature the world has ever seen, (though technically that title belongs to bast-er-_illigitimate_ daughter of Zeus, Helen of Troy, but who cares, Mary Sue is still prettier than her), learned to dance and sing (at the same time), then ran away to the Opera Populaire where she was instantly hired as the new Prima Donna and the Prima Ballerina, which resulted in the suicides of La Carlotta and La Sorelli.

(**Voice of Reason: But how can she dance and sing at the same time? Have you ever tried to sing while dancing? I mean it's, like, impossible.**

**Authoress: Who knows? An even better question is why the Phantom wasn't attracted to Mary Sue in the first place sine she purrrrrrrrfect.**)

Some time passed and the Opera house decided to perform _Don Juan Triumphant_ to get rid of it's Phantom problem. Christine unmasked the Phantom, and out poor Mary Sue was almost trampled by the falling chandelier.

(**VoR: Don't you mean "crushed"? I can't imagine an inanimate object "trampling" anything.**

**Authoress: Fine! She was nearly trampled by the mob running from the chandelier!)**

Mary Sue was then suddenly possessed with the idea to mourn the loss of the Opera house by dancing a mourning dance and singing a requiem (at the same time) by her parents grave who have just died for no other reason other than plot purposes and bad Karma.

Many hours later, Mary Sue collapsed from exhaustion, when, suddenly, the Phantom showed up! He stumbled along, barely making out shapes in the darkness.

(**VoR: He's lived underground in the dark for most of his reclusive life! I think he could find his way in a partially-lit city!**

**Authoress: Whatever. It's phanphiction. I'll do as I please. sticks her tongue out **

**VoR: swipes it with a postage stamp and sticks it on a letter to be sent to the Opera managers to beware of the crazy Authoress Thanks!)**

The Phantom either didn't notice our oh-so-gorgeous-Mary Sue-that-she's-literally-glowing-from-her-flawless-flawlessness, or he decided to ignore her altogether while grieving for his lost love, Christine. Whatever his reasons were for not acknowledging the existence of the Mary Sue, the Phantom proceeded to stumble to the grave of the-love-he-just-lost-to-a-weeping-fop Christine Daaé's father.

(**VoR: But wasn't Christine's dad buried in a completely different city, Perros?**

**Authoress: It looked right outside Paris in the movie.)**

The Phantom then took out a lethal does of laudanum from his cloak-

(**VoR: Wait! laudanum used to help people fall asleep? Wouldn't that just put him into a deep slumber?**

**Authoress: Anything can be lethal if you take too much- I think. Anyway, if the laudanum didn't kill him he'd freeze to death, so either way it's suicide.)**

-and was about to drink it when……….He was struck by a purple drunken-stupor-inducing lightning bolt!

(**VoR: 0.0**

**Authoress: )**

Terrified, the Mary Sue began running around the cemetery in utter fright until she ran into a tombstone and fell on top of the drunken Phantom.

Presently, a priest came walking by and discovered the two (though why a priest would be walking in a cemetery in the middle of the night is beyond the author's knowledge. Then again, do we really want to know?)

"Cease your unholy-er, unholiness!" he shouted. "Only such acts belong in the sanctity of marriage!"

"Really?" asked the Mary Sue waking up. "I didn't know that because I now have amnesia from hitting my head." She looked around and saw the unconscious Phantom. "Who's this guy?"

"How should I know? Isn't he your fiancé?"

"I don't know, maybe. What if he is?"

"Then you'll probably want to get married at some point in time, I hear September is a lovely month for getting hitched-"

"OH! Can we do that now!" the Mary Sue asked excitedly.

"Um, I think you need a marriage certificate and witnesses," the priest said slowly. He looked around. "I don't see either requirements."

(**Authoress: We'll be witnesses!**

**VoR: We will?**

**Authoress: YEP! And here's a special marriage certificate I just happened to be carrying around! hands it to priest **

**Priest: Can I lawfully wed these two?**

**Authoress: Well, seeing as how they are both fictional characters, I'd say yes. Besides, you should know by now that I'm breaking all rules of reality.**

**Priest: I should?**

**Authoress: YEP!**

**VoR: Just go along with it. Maybe she'll stop and go away.)**

The priest performed the wedding with the Phantom briefly gaining consciousness long enough to nod when asked to say "I do." Soon, they were pronounced Phantom and wife, and the Mary Sue passionately kissed him, which woke him from his drunken stupor.

"What happened? Who are you!" he demanded.

"We just got married and I can't remember that I used to be the prima donna and prima ballerina at the Opera house because I have amnesia!" the Mary Sue said happily.

"I'm married……to you?"

"That's right!"

"Oh, God, why me!"

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**Well, how was it? Hopefully not too terrible. Perhaps there will be more, but I'll have to think about it. If you still care for peace, then you will review! ahahahahaha!**


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